“I Don’t Even Recognize Myself Anymore”: When Caregiving Takes Over Your Identity

You’re juggling your teen’s orthodontist appointment while talking to your mom’s provider about her new prescription, all while finally eating a snack since you missed lunch. The sandwich generation experience—caring for aging parents while raising kids—is a complex juggling act that often goes unnoticed, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

And one of the hardest parts no one talks about? You slowly start losing touch with who you are.

When Survival Mode Becomes a Way of Life

Many caregivers don’t even realize they’re in survival mode at first. You tell yourself:

• “This is temporary.”
• “Once things settle down, I’ll catch my breath.”
• “I just need to get through this week.”

But then a week turns into months… and months into years.

Eventually, you look up and wonder, “Where did I go?”

As both a nurse for over 20 years and a sandwich generation caregiver myself, I’ve seen this happen countless times, myself included.  You’re not imagining it. That mental and emotional autopilot is real—and it can swallow years of your life.

Your thoughts become tied solely to managing others’ needs:

• “Did Mom take her meds?”
• “Who’s driving to soccer practice?”
• “When was the last time we refilled Dad’s insulin?”

Meanwhile, your own voice becomes less familiar. According to an article in the Journal of Aging Studies, researchers found caregivers often experience a quiet but powerful form of identity disruption– where you being to feel like you’re  absorbed by the caregiver role, while your personal identity begins to fade into the background.  If you want to read the study, here is the link:

• Park, M., & Schumacher, K. L. (2014). The state of the science of family caregiver–care recipient dyads: A scoping review. Journal of Aging Studies, 29, 55–70.
  🔗 Read summary on NCBI

What You’re Really Missing: Choice

Sometimes, it’s not just about missing the way things used to be—it’s about missing the freedom to choose.

Caregivers often lose autonomy in subtle ways:

• You eat whatever’s fastest, not what you want
• You say no to social invites because there’s no backup
• You feel guilty for wanting alone time

But here’s the good news: reclaiming yourself doesn’t require a huge life change.

It can start with one small, intentional decision each day:

“What’s one thing I can choose today—just for me?”

Even if it’s tiny—like deciding what music to play in the car or setting aside 15 minutes for yourself—it matters.  Because every act of autonomy is an act of self-care.

5 Tiny Ways to Start Reclaiming Yourself Today

Let’s be honest: you don’t have time for a longer to-do list or a weekend retreat (although that would be nice).

I know I’m not waking up at 4 am to workout (but I know people who do). I’m not following someone else’s routine, I don’t know what their day really looks like or what they are prioritizing.  However, I can evaluate what makes me feel recharged versus what drains me. 

Start with just one of these to get your habit of self-care going:

1. Reclaim 15 Minutes Just for You

Schedule it and set an alarm. Read. Breathe. Stretch. Sit in silence. It doesn’t matter what you do—it matters that it’s yours.

2. Create One Small, Sacred Ritual

Make your morning coffee and drink it slowly. Light a candle after the house quiets down. Stand outside for 5 minutes every evening. These little pauses can anchor you back into yourself.

3. Choose Movement That Feels Good

If “working out” feels overwhelming right now, just focus on movement you enjoy. Even walking to the mailbox counts. If I have 15 minutes to move, I take it.

4. Listen to Something That Sparks You

A funny podcast. An audiobook. Your favorite music. Something that has nothing to do with caregiving.

5. Set a Screen Time Limit

If you are still finding it difficult to set aside time for yourself, I would encourage you to do a screen time audit. Are you scrolling for hours before bed? Blue light makes it harder to sleep, and those minutes, even hours, could be yours instead.

Start small and simple—just pick one thing. This isn’t about what you “should” do. It’s about finding micro-moments that remind you of your own presence, help you feel recharged, and reconnect yourself. 

You Are Still Here

You are not invisible. You haven’t disappeared. Your well-being is a critical part of the caregiving cycle.

If you’re thinking…”That would be nice but…” I want to urge you to start with something small TODAY.

Because even in this busy and overwhelming season, you can find tiny moments of reconnection. The real you? She never left. She’s just been waiting for you to look up.

If you need immediate support, please reach out to a professional. You can always lean on Better Help, an online platform that gives you access to mental health professionals.   This is not an affiliate link, simply a lifeline if you need one: https://www.betterhelp.com